The Story We Tell Ourselves
A few days ago, someone walked into our office unannounced. Let's just say they weren't stopping by to compliment the coffee.
They were frustrated, like really frustrated. From their perspective, we had charged an outrageous amount for a website update. They felt taken advantage of, they had numbers, and they had questions.
Now, I won't pretend hearing those accusations felt great. No one enjoys being told they're taking advantage of someone, especially when your team genuinely cares about doing good work. But here's the interesting part.
They weren't reacting to the truth.
They were reacting to the information they had. After we sat down together and calmly walked through the invoice, we discovered the misunderstanding. The number they were given wasn't the cost of a website update at all. It was the total invoice, which included quarterly approved work. Think…lead generation campaigns, creative services, social media management, email marketing, and several other projects that were contractually completed.
Once we looked at the same information, the conversation changed. There were no raised voices, just clarity.
It reminded me of something we all experience, whether we're running a business or simply trying to navigate life. We rarely argue facts. Instead, we blow up about the stories we've built from incomplete facts. Someone doesn't text back, a friend forgets your birthday, or your spouse seems unusually quiet. Our brains hate empty space, so they fill in the blanks. Unfortunately, our imagination is often far more dramatic than reality.
When someone accuses you of something unfair, every instinct says to defend yourself immediately. The problem is that people don't usually listen when they're emotionally activated. They listen when they feel heard. That's a difficult distinction.
Being defensive may feel justified, but it rarely changes someone's mind. One of the most effective questions you can ask is incredibly simple: "Can you walk me through what you were told?"
Many conflicts aren't disagreements at all. They're simply two people working from two completely different sets of information. Think about the last disagreement you had with someone you care about. How much of it could have been resolved by asking one more question before reaching one more conclusion?
The older I get, the more I realize communication isn't about speaking clearly. It's about making sure everyone is reading from the same page.
One thing I've learned is that almost everyone believes they're acting on the truth, and they're trying to make sense of the information they have. That realization makes it much easier to respond with patience instead of pride.
And yes, sometimes all it takes to solve a heated disagreement is realizing the "website update" also included other items requested and approved within the contract. Funny how that works.
So the next time you're convinced someone wronged you, pause before writing the email, making the phone call, or marching into the office. Ask one more question.
You might discover you weren't looking at the whole invoice. 😉
